Mistakes

You ever have that moment where you realize that you really screwed up. And the reality is, you have done it so many times because you are so selfish and seem to take advantage of certain people for no apparent reason. I truly don't understand why I do this. But yesterday I did it to a couple different people and I of course could justify my reasoning but at the end of the day does it really matter? After receiving a text today explaining what I had done to a person that I really care about I realized that my justification and my excuses don't mean shit to anyone. It is just a way to make me feel better about my behavior. And there isn't a sorry in the world that will make it better. Maybe one day this person will forgive me but even if he does, I am not deserving and he is right to eliminate me from his life because I have taken advantage of him time and time again without realizing the effect it would have. The only way that this can ever get better is for me to stop being so selfish and inconsiderate. 
I may never speak to him again which is devastating to me but he has every right to feel the way he does. But one thing I do know is that I never want to do this to another person again. So I have to start somewhere to make the change. I do hope that I can be successful with this and it isn't chopped up to me blowing smoke again. I want to be reliable and trusted and at this point that is not the case. I am truly sorry. For what its worth!

I just don't know anymore

And again, it has been a while. I have been asked when I will write something again, because there is that one person in my life that really believes my writing is good. I love doing it but they are just my thoughts. However, I realized that I haven’t had many thoughts lately and that is why I haven’t sat at my computer and typed them out. Before I had so much pain to mull over time and time again, whereas now I feel as though I am just numb and I always seem to fall into the same pattern and it seems as though the story is always the same. I read the last blog I wrote and it lead to feeling inspired but that faded as quickly as it came. I don’t do anything that I enjoy. I have a boring job that consumes my time, no one to come home to. My house is always empty and I just don’t get the point. If this is what life is supposed to be then I don’t want it anymore.

I want something entertaining that brings life and laughter and joy. Something out of the norm and that can’t come from another person. And it shouldn't. 

Sometimes I feel like there is a huge block. That I have this great idea and I think it through and it will only take a little bit of effort to make it happen but then it is gone as quickly as it appeared. Why does that happen? Why are some people so driven and can make anything happen but it is so hard for others, like me. I don’t understand….

Maybe this is not for me to understand. Maybe I think too much and don’t act. I guess time will only help me to figure that one out. So until then….

It took long enough....

I think it is interesting how our worth is so skewed. It starts a lot of times with how we are raised. If we are in a home that doesn't build us up but tears us down. Or in school where you are picked on because you are smart and a thinker, or because you are artistic and deep, or because you love music and haven’t figured out your place in it. But what is even worse is the way society has pegged us as adults. I want to know who decides what is acceptable and what isn't  I am only speaking for myself when it comes to these things and it infuriates me that it took be being 30 and still not feeling like I fit the mold to realize that I don’t like the mold that has been created. But for so long I have been so concerned with others opinions. How can I be the best, to be like this person or that person? And really beating myself up for it when I fell short. And what’s worse, I thought I was the only one.

I have let people walk all over me, afraid to be who I really am. Afraid to share that person in the beginning because of the fear of being rejected. Almost to the point that I lost who I am. So when I am asked what I like or don’t like my answer would end up being, well whatever you like is fine with me.

Is that what I have succumbed to? Am I really going to be that person? Do I want to be the one that molds to everyone else? I thought that was the best idea except when left alone, it started to become really lonely. And I realized, dang I lost myself. I don’t even really know who I am when I am not surrounded by other people. This is why I run when the going gets tough. Why I give up when things get hard or I don’t understand it. I have been told for so long that I am so strong but when it comes down to it, I am really not. I have been a quitter. I will find any possible way to justify my actions instead of just taking the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to be surrounded by lies. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that don’t give a shit. And I definitely don’t want to be that person who acts like she cares but really doesn't,  or is to lazy to try.

I was sulking about money, about my life, about school, and career, and how I feel like I failed; but I met a person the other day that said to me, you only have today, so why not live it. And I've heard it so many times before but for some reason when he said it, it was a slap in the face. Tabitha, you always sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to grab you and make life happen, when clearly that hasn't been working out for the last 10 years. So now what are you going to do? Sit and wait another 10 years, or search for yourself and find happiness in all the places it’s been waiting for you?

And I finally found my answer….

Thoughts

Life should not be consumed by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, of loss or unhappiness. Dwelling on all these things only causes pain. Being fearful, only causes regret. All of this comes from a lack of hope or even the idea of taking chances and risking it all to feel something besides pain. And if fear is all you live by, then what is the point of existence? Why walk this journey if there is nothing invigorating or enjoyable about it? WHO cares if you make mistakes, or have heart ache along the way. Those things refine who you are and make it easier to decide who you want to become and what you refuse to settle for. I feel like I have walked through life for so long just taking what has been given to me rather than taking what is rightfully mine to have. I worry too much what other people think, especially the ones I care about. But at the end of the day, who do I answer to? God, absolutely and of course myself. And at the end of the day, I want to be able to reflect on my choices and know that I am satisfied with them because I made them. Not because I lived in fear of what someone else would think or how someone else would feel.

There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring to it yourself. 
Henry David Thoreau

Peace....finally

For so long I have longed for my life to begin. Longing and hoping for the desires of my heart. Angry and impatient and bitter that things didn't work out the way I thought they should. Hopeless and hurt and confused, I was constantly told; Tabitha, the minute you stop looking it will find you. And my response always was; how do you stop looking for something you want so badly? I was in such a lowly sad place for such a long time. And one day I just let it go and it was the best thing I could have ever done. Even though there are so many things I want to happen in my life, I have finally found peace with myself. And in finding that, I am able to love a wonderful person who has shown me how to slow down. To enjoy every moment. To take every day as it comes and that there is no reason to rush anything. And for the first time, I am not in a hurry. It will happen when the time is right. And the funny thing is, he has no idea that he has done this for me, just by being in my life and loving me.

This journey we all take in our lives is exciting and confusing at the same time. People come and go in our lives that help us grow and change who we are, sometimes in a good way and sometimes not. But every person makes an impact whether big or small and I am thankful for every person that has impacted my life. And I say that because as I am starting my 30's and I look back at all the crap that I have experienced and all the amazing things that I have experienced, I wouldn't change any of it because it has made me who I am!
So if you read this, thank you! And I hope that in some small way I have given you the same!

Thoughts that never leave

She walks into a room and wonders what people think of her. No matter the beauty she displays on the outside, how she feels on the inside is never changing. She wonders why she can't get past it. Why can't she see what other people see? She is so disappointed in herself because she feels as though she sees through broken glass. She knows that she has something to  offer and she tries as hard as she can but feels as though no one notices what she does or how great she really is. This is her perception! And its sad because, they do see how great she is and what she has to offer but they never tell her. And even though she feels alone, there are a select few that really see who she is and what she has to offer but until she can see it for herself, how amazing and tender she is. She will never get past this....

She feels stuck and alone and forgotten. Life didn't deal her an awesome hand from the beginning. She was raised by a family that loved her very much, but had another family that she didn't know and thought about every day but wasn't aloud to reach out. These things that happen in her life made her very week and insecure for a long time but in turn have made a very strong and independent woman but there are still feelings of being lost and alone and unwanted. So how do you move past something like that? How do you build relationships that have never really been there because there is a lack of understanding on both sides. A fear of never really knowing a person, a person that could make you a better human being because of the trials she has gone through. And an even bigger question, what about her feelings. The sister that was never known. The sister that never really had the chance to share love and fear, anger, jealousy and a true sister relationship.

This woman, who is insecure and feels alone, thinks constantly of the life she could have had, had things been different when she was born. Or when she was given a chance as a young adult to build that relationship she longs for so much. But how, how do you change the differences, the arguments, the conflict or even just the gap of 20 plus years of not having anything to share and now the distance that lies between you. If there was a way to lay everything else aside, to start fresh in hopes for something more than what there is now...

I have searched and searched and searched for love and have loved with everything I had but there is something said about a sisters love, even when the bond of growing up together isn't there. There is and will always be a longing for that love. To share that love. Especially because I know it can be had but have no idea how to have it. Or where to begin. Maybe this is where its starts, maybe not. 

....Gotta start somewhere....

lost

Have you ever done something and wished you could take it back? 
Or believed something to be more than it was just because you wanted it so badly?
I have done both so many times and it makes me wonder when I will ever learn and be better. 
It is said that there is so much in this life. I have been told that I have so much to offer. But to who? I feel like I have been given opportunities but nothing comes of it or something does but its not what I had imagined or hoped for. So then what?
I seem to go through these moments of confusion, where I feel completely lost and have no idea what I am doing, where I am going or what it is I want exactly. And in those moments I seem to forget who I am. And right now, I feel like I have no idea and it really sucks!