I think it
is interesting how our worth is so skewed. It starts a lot of times with how we
are raised. If we are in a home that doesn't build us up but tears us down. Or
in school where you are picked on because you are smart and a thinker, or
because you are artistic and deep, or because you love music and haven’t
figured out your place in it. But what is even worse is the way society has
pegged us as adults. I want to know who decides what is acceptable and what isn't
I am only speaking for myself when it comes to these things and it infuriates
me that it took be being 30 and still not feeling like I fit the mold to
realize that I don’t like the mold that has been created. But for so long I
have been so concerned with others opinions. How can I be the best, to be like
this person or that person? And really beating myself up for it when I fell
short. And what’s worse, I thought I was the only one.
I have let
people walk all over me, afraid to be who I really am. Afraid to share that
person in the beginning because of the fear of being rejected. Almost to the
point that I lost who I am. So when I am asked what I like or don’t like my
answer would end up being, well whatever you like is fine with me.
Is that
what I have succumbed to? Am I really going to be that person? Do I want to be
the one that molds to everyone else? I thought that was the best idea except
when left alone, it started to become really lonely. And I realized, dang I
lost myself. I don’t even really know who I am when I am not surrounded by
other people. This is why I run when the going gets tough. Why I give up when
things get hard or I don’t understand it. I have been told for so long that I
am so strong but when it comes down to it, I am really not. I have been a
quitter. I will find any possible way to justify my actions instead of just
taking the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want
to be surrounded by lies. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that don’t give
a shit. And I definitely don’t want to be that person who acts like she cares
but really doesn't, or is to lazy to try.
I was
sulking about money, about my life, about school, and career, and how I feel
like I failed; but I met a person the other day that said to me, you only have
today, so why not live it. And I've heard it so many times before but for some
reason when he said it, it was a slap in the face. Tabitha, you always sit on
the sidelines waiting for someone to grab you and make life happen, when
clearly that hasn't been working out for the last 10 years. So now what are you
going to do? Sit and wait another 10 years, or search for yourself and find
happiness in all the places it’s been waiting for you?
And I
finally found my answer….
