Thoughts that never leave

She walks into a room and wonders what people think of her. No matter the beauty she displays on the outside, how she feels on the inside is never changing. She wonders why she can't get past it. Why can't she see what other people see? She is so disappointed in herself because she feels as though she sees through broken glass. She knows that she has something to  offer and she tries as hard as she can but feels as though no one notices what she does or how great she really is. This is her perception! And its sad because, they do see how great she is and what she has to offer but they never tell her. And even though she feels alone, there are a select few that really see who she is and what she has to offer but until she can see it for herself, how amazing and tender she is. She will never get past this....

She feels stuck and alone and forgotten. Life didn't deal her an awesome hand from the beginning. She was raised by a family that loved her very much, but had another family that she didn't know and thought about every day but wasn't aloud to reach out. These things that happen in her life made her very week and insecure for a long time but in turn have made a very strong and independent woman but there are still feelings of being lost and alone and unwanted. So how do you move past something like that? How do you build relationships that have never really been there because there is a lack of understanding on both sides. A fear of never really knowing a person, a person that could make you a better human being because of the trials she has gone through. And an even bigger question, what about her feelings. The sister that was never known. The sister that never really had the chance to share love and fear, anger, jealousy and a true sister relationship.

This woman, who is insecure and feels alone, thinks constantly of the life she could have had, had things been different when she was born. Or when she was given a chance as a young adult to build that relationship she longs for so much. But how, how do you change the differences, the arguments, the conflict or even just the gap of 20 plus years of not having anything to share and now the distance that lies between you. If there was a way to lay everything else aside, to start fresh in hopes for something more than what there is now...

I have searched and searched and searched for love and have loved with everything I had but there is something said about a sisters love, even when the bond of growing up together isn't there. There is and will always be a longing for that love. To share that love. Especially because I know it can be had but have no idea how to have it. Or where to begin. Maybe this is where its starts, maybe not. 

....Gotta start somewhere....

lost

Have you ever done something and wished you could take it back? 
Or believed something to be more than it was just because you wanted it so badly?
I have done both so many times and it makes me wonder when I will ever learn and be better. 
It is said that there is so much in this life. I have been told that I have so much to offer. But to who? I feel like I have been given opportunities but nothing comes of it or something does but its not what I had imagined or hoped for. So then what?
I seem to go through these moments of confusion, where I feel completely lost and have no idea what I am doing, where I am going or what it is I want exactly. And in those moments I seem to forget who I am. And right now, I feel like I have no idea and it really sucks!

LOVE

Love, with another person. To feel, to be inspired by, to care for. To have forever.
I am a great partner. Longing only to make my other half feel like they matter and are the most important thing in the world to me. But I long for it in return. And the reason it hasn't worked in the past is because they haven't given it in return. I don't ask for much and it doesn't take much to make this girl happy. I don't need materialistic things. Just honesty, patience, time and love!!!
I don't think thats asking too much!

Inspiration

Inspiration

I feel as though I have lacked inspiration for some time. That my life has been stagnant and boring, with no purpose except just existing and, that is as false as it can get. So as that moment started to burn in me today that there is something for me to say, something for me to focus on, instead of ignoring it like I have been I decided to take a few minutes and actually focus on what inspires me. And to be honest, there are a lot of things that do. But what made it different today? Why is it standing out a little bit more than usual?

A certain song that I heard! A long, needed overdue conversation with my very best friend in the world, who I can go without talking to for months but it’s like we just talked yesterday and nothing is any different. So what inspired me today? She did! She is a fighter, an overcomer! Always finds the best in every situation but still lives in reality. She is truly the friend everyone could hope to find and I am lucky enough to have found her. And the promise that we made to grow old together will forever be the way it is!

She is an amazing mother to James (my godson) and amazing wife to JP and has given up everything for him to pursue his dream. She does this because she believes in him and in his happiness she finds her own. And in the selflessness that she shares with her family, things always fall into place for her. Usually in way she would have never dreamed.

I wish I had her strength.  And sometimes, just her!

Which leads me to my next topic…. She inspires me, music inspires me, poetry inspires me. Something that has feeling and passion and can make you cry or even motivate you to do something you didn’t think you could do. It might be that one song that the second you hear it, a fire is lit under your ass and you do something you didn’t think you could. Or words of wisdom from a friend, reminding you of who you really are and it was the exact time and place that you needed to hear it and she didn’t even know it.

I would say that music inspires me the most to feel, to love, to give all of myself.  And sometimes I wish that there was a person out there that felt the same way and that our paths would cross and that the passion and inspiration would be mutual. And then maybe I wouldn’t feel crazy.  But it’s not always music, sometimes it’s a quote. And there is one in particular that always stands out from an amazing woman who has had many wise words in her lifetime!  

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

 Is it not fitting, to be remembered for how you made someone feel?

I want to be remembered as a person who loved everyone and made them feel amazing in a low moment. That when they needed encouragement, I was there to give it to them. That is the mark that I hope to leave behind. Because if there is one thing that I carry in my heart, it is brokenness for the ones I care about who don’t see who they really are. How amazing they are, how gifted they are and if I don’t tell them that who will? And then I am just as bad as a person who puts them down or ignores them.  And they deserve more than that! Everyone does.

I feel like I see things for a reason. I read and understand most people for a reason and to let them just fade is unfair to the ones that my eyes have been open to.

So this is my inspiration for today. And for tomorrow. And the next day!

You are an amazing person.  Who has been set a part for a specific reason and if you don’t see it, I will make sure to take a minute to tell you that because you deserve to hear it! 

Yearning

This is the beginning of a new life. One journey has ended and another one must start. But where does it start? When I am alone, I sit and think about who I am, where I have come from and what I want to become. I am still young and my life is still ahead of me, so what shall I do with the world as my oyster and the wind at my back pushing me forward.

There has been a burning in my heart for weeks and the desire to write but having no clue what to write about. It really sucks when that happens so today I decided to just try it out and see what happens.

In the past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself, things that I knew but didn’t really see or understand and after a pretty great conversation last night, I realized that I need to start making things happen. It’s funny though, because I know I have said it before, that I am the only one that can make my life happen and I have been waiting for someone else to tell me what to do. But the biggest reason I haven’t done what I really want to do is because of fear. It’s amazing how fear can’t paralyze you and most people let it. I don’t want to be paralyzed anymore. I want life to happen!

Since I was a child I always felt that there was more to this life than what I was living. There is a big world out there but how do I make more out of what I have been given. And how do I stop hiding behind the brokenness that I was dealt in this life? Because if this is it, if there is nothing more, then what is the point?

There are very few people I keep close to me because of being hurt so many times. But the ones that I have kept close I wouldn’t change for the world. And the new people that enter in some way have an impact on who I have become.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. I use to write poems about my feelings but now it has become blogs to express myself. I have the desire to write a book about my life, not even really for people to know and understand but more for my own sanity. To be able to look back and see where I have come from and the woman I have become. And without being arrogant, I feel like something went right. But it’s definitely not enough. There is more, and I am on the hunt to find it! And when I figure it out and share it, it's because one thing about me that has never changed, is allowing people to see my life and the decisions I have made and if in any way, learn from them.

So on that note, I have decided to start in some way to write my story. I don’t know how to start it or what it should entail but you have to start somewhere before anything can ever become anything! So here goes nothing!!!! And hopefully everything!

And all the support and love that I have been surrounded by will only make this part of my journey even more worth it!

It starts with me, and then the rest will fall into place!

So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led by peace. IS 55:11-12

10:43pm.....

I am in bed, exhausted, thinking about my day. How rough it was, how tired I am and how glad I am to be in bed. I grab my phone; do my normal scroll through facebook to see who has what to say. If there are any cute pictures posted, my normal nightly routine before sleep time. And while I am thinking about how tired I am, I think “just gotta update my status”. Then it dawns on me….who really cares? Do all FB friends really need to know that I am tired? What does it matter to them, of course I am tired, its 10:30 and I worked a 12 hour day. So then I ask myself, why do I feel the need to post that? (this is me being way to literal) And then I ask, why do any of us feel the need to post anything on FB. Because we post anything and everything. This is what we have come to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful thing to have because you find people that were lost and keep in touch with people that are far away. And it’s great for that. But what the hell did we do before all this was available on our cell phones? How did we communicate, let alone survive? It is beyond me to even think there was another way.
When was the last time you hand wrote a letter? Or received one? Did it feel genuine and sincere? Everything is done through the internet and the personal has been taken right out of it. It makes me sad to think that the simplicity is all gone. What would we do if the internet just disappeared? Or we lost all service on our phones and had nothing to rely on but a pen and paper. What would we do?

I might just be having an inner turmoil.....................................................

Thoughts accumulate

Thoughts go through your mind throughout the day. Some are random and some make you stop and think a little bit harder. Sometimes I feel like all I do is think and think and think but nothing ever comes of it. I sometimes wonder why we as human beings have this constant lack of satisfaction. It seems as though nothing is ever enough or we think we have it all and then realize, nope I want more, which brings me to this conversation.

Since I was 12 years old, I have knon what I wanted. More than anything I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted little people that I could give all the love in the world to. I never thought about being anything but a mom. As I got older I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher so I could be surrounded by kids all the time because I love them so much but it never happened. It took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted because children were all I saw and all I wanted in my future. They still are something that I desire very much but I have realized there is also something else that I really desire. The problem is, I can’t figure it out. But I feel completely unsatisfied and it is driving me crazy.

At least one day a week I think about my career and where I see it going. And I really have no idea. I LOVE my job. I feel like I found something that I am really good at and it doesn’t always feel like work to me but yet I still want more. So then I ask myself, do I want to go back to school? But for what? How committed am I to doing that, especially if I have no idea what to do? And other days I think well maybe it is because my biggest desire is to be a mom and that hasn’t happen yet so I am not complete. And from there I start to ask myself, is this something I should try and do alone or be patient and hope that I can find someone who wants the same things. But with my track record that doesn’t seem to promising for me. But it is definitely something I would rather share with someone else. And then I am so confused again. What is this dilemma? Why does it seem so hard to figure things out as you get older. I feel like when I was 17 it all made sense but now I feel like I have no idea. Every decision that has to be made changes everything.

Oh boy….

I think it would be easier if someone came along and said, Tabitha, this is what you should do. Go back to school and be this and then this will happen and everything will fall into place.

Yeah, in a perfect world.

So it is time to search my heart and my soul again!

And as hard as it is for me to admit, this inner turmoil is definitely God trying to make a breakthrough. Because I could definitely use it!

This girl right here needs some patience. She has never been patient for anything in her life and make impulsive decisions that don't always turn out for the best. So I go back to the verse that gets me every time.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by

prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Ph 4:6-7