Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thoughts accumulate

Thoughts go through your mind throughout the day. Some are random and some make you stop and think a little bit harder. Sometimes I feel like all I do is think and think and think but nothing ever comes of it. I sometimes wonder why we as human beings have this constant lack of satisfaction. It seems as though nothing is ever enough or we think we have it all and then realize, nope I want more, which brings me to this conversation.

Since I was 12 years old, I have knon what I wanted. More than anything I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted little people that I could give all the love in the world to. I never thought about being anything but a mom. As I got older I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher so I could be surrounded by kids all the time because I love them so much but it never happened. It took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted because children were all I saw and all I wanted in my future. They still are something that I desire very much but I have realized there is also something else that I really desire. The problem is, I can’t figure it out. But I feel completely unsatisfied and it is driving me crazy.

At least one day a week I think about my career and where I see it going. And I really have no idea. I LOVE my job. I feel like I found something that I am really good at and it doesn’t always feel like work to me but yet I still want more. So then I ask myself, do I want to go back to school? But for what? How committed am I to doing that, especially if I have no idea what to do? And other days I think well maybe it is because my biggest desire is to be a mom and that hasn’t happen yet so I am not complete. And from there I start to ask myself, is this something I should try and do alone or be patient and hope that I can find someone who wants the same things. But with my track record that doesn’t seem to promising for me. But it is definitely something I would rather share with someone else. And then I am so confused again. What is this dilemma? Why does it seem so hard to figure things out as you get older. I feel like when I was 17 it all made sense but now I feel like I have no idea. Every decision that has to be made changes everything.

Oh boy….

I think it would be easier if someone came along and said, Tabitha, this is what you should do. Go back to school and be this and then this will happen and everything will fall into place.

Yeah, in a perfect world.

So it is time to search my heart and my soul again!
And as hard as it is for me to admit, this inner turmoil is definitely God trying to make a breakthrough. Because I could definitely use it!

This girl right here needs some patience. She has never been patient for anything in her life and make impulsive decisions that don't always turn out for the best. So I go back to the verse that gets me every time.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by
prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Ph 4:6-7