Monday, December 12, 2011


I am in bed, exhausted, thinking about my day. How rough it was, how tired I am and how glad I am to be in bed. I grab my phone; do my normal scroll through facebook to see who has what to say. If there are any cute pictures posted, my normal nightly routine before sleep time. And while I am thinking about how tired I am, I think “just gotta update my status”. Then it dawns on me….who really cares? Do all FB friends really need to know that I am tired? What does it matter to them, of course I am tired, its 10:30 and I worked a 12 hour day. So then I ask myself, why do I feel the need to post that? (this is me being way to literal) And then I ask, why do any of us feel the need to post anything on FB. Because we post anything and everything. This is what we have come to. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful thing to have because you find people that were lost and keep in touch with people that are far away. And it’s great for that. But what the hell did we do before all this was available on our cell phones? How did we communicate, let alone survive? It is beyond me to even think there was another way.
When was the last time you hand wrote a letter? Or received one? Did it feel genuine and sincere? Everything is done through the internet and the personal has been taken right out of it. It makes me sad to think that the simplicity is all gone. What would we do if the internet just disappeared? Or we lost all service on our phones and had nothing to rely on but a pen and paper. What would we do?

I might just be having an inner turmoil.....................................................

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thoughts accumulate

Thoughts go through your mind throughout the day. Some are random and some make you stop and think a little bit harder. Sometimes I feel like all I do is think and think and think but nothing ever comes of it. I sometimes wonder why we as human beings have this constant lack of satisfaction. It seems as though nothing is ever enough or we think we have it all and then realize, nope I want more, which brings me to this conversation.

Since I was 12 years old, I have knon what I wanted. More than anything I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted little people that I could give all the love in the world to. I never thought about being anything but a mom. As I got older I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher so I could be surrounded by kids all the time because I love them so much but it never happened. It took me a really long time to figure out what I wanted because children were all I saw and all I wanted in my future. They still are something that I desire very much but I have realized there is also something else that I really desire. The problem is, I can’t figure it out. But I feel completely unsatisfied and it is driving me crazy.

At least one day a week I think about my career and where I see it going. And I really have no idea. I LOVE my job. I feel like I found something that I am really good at and it doesn’t always feel like work to me but yet I still want more. So then I ask myself, do I want to go back to school? But for what? How committed am I to doing that, especially if I have no idea what to do? And other days I think well maybe it is because my biggest desire is to be a mom and that hasn’t happen yet so I am not complete. And from there I start to ask myself, is this something I should try and do alone or be patient and hope that I can find someone who wants the same things. But with my track record that doesn’t seem to promising for me. But it is definitely something I would rather share with someone else. And then I am so confused again. What is this dilemma? Why does it seem so hard to figure things out as you get older. I feel like when I was 17 it all made sense but now I feel like I have no idea. Every decision that has to be made changes everything.

Oh boy….

I think it would be easier if someone came along and said, Tabitha, this is what you should do. Go back to school and be this and then this will happen and everything will fall into place.

Yeah, in a perfect world.

So it is time to search my heart and my soul again!
And as hard as it is for me to admit, this inner turmoil is definitely God trying to make a breakthrough. Because I could definitely use it!

This girl right here needs some patience. She has never been patient for anything in her life and make impulsive decisions that don't always turn out for the best. So I go back to the verse that gets me every time.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by
prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Ph 4:6-7

Saturday, October 22, 2011

An enigma

There is this saying, everything happens for a reason. I believe it sometimes but other times I think that I allow things to happen the way they do. But with thinking that, it allows for there to be a lot of regret, which I have.
Probably in every huge decision I have made there have been moments of regret after the fact. Wishing things could have played out differently. Or wondering if this one thing would have happen, would my life be different right now? I feel like I allow for destruction to happen in my life and I have a really hard time allowing myself to be happy. Then I think maybe I need to do something life changing, like move out of state and start all over but that terrifies me because it is a huge world of unknown. But I want change, I desire it. But the type of change that allows for happiness and having the desires of my heart. Even though I am surrounded by a lot of people I love I feel like I walk this world alone and I desperately want that to change!
I have learned so much about myself in the past 6 months since separating from my husband. Which was a very short lived relationship in the first place. Impulsive decisions are not always a good thing. Hoping that time will allow you to change the way someone thinks never works. No matter how much you love someone, if they are not happy with themselves, your love will never be enough. And even when you fight so hard to make something work, there is nothing wrong with walking away when there is no hope of change. 
It was a very dark hour. For many months but looking back, how could I have ever known it would turn out the way it did. I can't fix it, I can't change it, I can only learn from it and grow and hope that the next will be what I have been waiting for.
Until then, I will never know what life is going to throw my way. Things change day by day and all I can do is focus on me and what I want and believe that as long as I share that with the universe I will receive what my heart desires!
Today is a lazy Saturday. Its gloomy and rainy. A perfect day in October in Washington!
Its time to get off my ass and go out into this world and see what it has to offer me!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Neah Bay

The water is rippling on the shore. Its been a beautiful day. Sunny, almost 60 outside. You couldn't ask for a more perfect day to say hi to my sister after 4 years. This will forever be a place to remember where she wanted to be forever remembered after the amazing life she lived. 
She was taken way to young. A woman who loved with all she had.  I never knew a person with more passion and more determination to be who she wanted to be and to love with all she had. A woman that would go to the ends of the earth for the people that matter. A woman to remember. 
Auntie T is what I called her for the first few years of my life. Then sister for the rest of my life. An amazing mother, friend, daughter. She is the reason I have become who I am. And the fire at my feet that pushes me to be more. I have never seen a woman work so hard to have what she wanted. I couldn't have asked for a better person footsteps to follow after. She is the reason I won't settle. That I went to beauty school and became a teacher. This woman worked two jobs to put herself through school so she could be a massage therapist. She graduated at the top of her class and didn't even think she could do it.
We had our ups and downs as all sisters do but after getting divorced I was given a chance to spend the last two years of her life with her and build memories that I will never forget. To be reminded of the love that a sister has for another sister. 
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her or wish she was still here telling me how stupid I am being. Or calling me the second I walked in the door because she knew my schedule and wanted to talk about my day and tell me about hers. She was the best person you could have in your life. She called it like it was! Never holding back her feelings or thoughts about anything. You never tried to call her out when she was wrong because she would threaten to scoup slam your ass. And she would totally do it! I love this woman. I can't wait until the day I see her again so I can scoup slam her and give her a slobbery wet kiss like she always did to me.
I will never be ticklish again because of all the Chinese Tickle torcher she put me through as a child until I cried and almost peed my pants. Again, I love this woman.
Trina Diane Rodgers amazing sister, mother, Auntie T, friend. Until the end!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Where to begin....

Who is this person behind these glasses?

For the longest time I have wanted to share my story with anyone who would want to listen. Thinking that I have had a pretty interesting life and that I am sure there are others out there who have experienced something similar. I know that there are plenty that have experienced far worse and this is in no way my trying to get sympathy. I have made my peace. I love my family so very much. But sometimes I wish I could have had some answers, an honest explanation of why things happen the way they did and why people lied to me for so many years.
The blogs that I have been writing are primarily for me to cycle through my life and reflect on feelings that I have with no real idea of where they belong. I am not a person that reflects and is angry. I do have my share of regrets that is for sure. And I do wish that things could have happen differently for me but they didn't. So now I get to make my own mistakes and grow into the human I hope to become.

I really want to write a book. I don't have any idea where to start or even if I will be any good at it or if anyone would even read it for that matter. But this is my way of sending off into the universe the desire of my heart in hopes that inspiration, determination and direction will soon return to me.

I honestly have to say that there is no other time in my life that I feel more calm or at peace, than when I have my computer in my lap and I am just typing away whatever random thoughts come into my head. It is a great feeling! And I hope for it to be a constant! I need it to be!

Monday, September 26, 2011

There are no words

A week ago I walk into my friends house and he says, I am thinking about quitting my job and moving to Denver. Then two days later, he quits his job, starts freaking out and is now moving to Denver!
There were a lot of thoughts going through my mind at the time, mostly selfish thoughts.  What about me? How do I fit into this factor? But as quickly as they came, I buried them away. Who am I to ask these questions and where is that coming from? But we still canned pickles and green beans (which are amazing) and had a wonderful time. And that of course makes it even harder. I always have a great time with this guy. I really don’t think he has a clue as to how wonderful he is. That’s what makes me so sad. What I will miss the most, that even though I tell him his is sweet and I enjoy his company, that he makes me laugh, cooks me dinner, makes sure that I am content in whatever we do.  I don’t think he really sees what I see. He really needs to see how great he is.
This isn’t even the real point to my little story. The point is….. He is an amazing guy and has opened my eyes to something bigger. More to life that I think I needed to see through someone else taking a leap!
For those that know me (really know me), they know that I am a dreamer. That I always feel that there is more out there then what I have received or maybe even taken. And with that there is an unsettling part of me that knows something needs to change or happen.  But for some reason I can’t seem to take the leap that allows for those dreams to come true. And it’s funny because I was sitting on my couch watching a romantic movie thinking, how the hell will anyone find me here? How the hell will I find anyone if I am sitting on my couch watching movies about bullshit that I have never seen happen in real life but want so badly to happen in mine. The only way that can be is if I make it happen. And how do I make it happen? Obviously by seizing the day! Seeing an opportunity and actually taking it. Or maybe even taking such a big risk in hopes that I find exactly what I am looking for.  What is there to lose? I am really not gaining anything but sitting around and waiting for life to happen because in all honestly it never will! Maybe this is something I should know already or maybe not. But the true test isn’t in finding out the truth; it’s actually what you do with it when you have it.
And so the journey begins and I have Seth to thank for that. He has in some way opened my eyes to the fact that I need to listen to those little thoughts that I have inside of me. I need to actually be scared of something new and exciting because life should be full of risks.  And I am pretty sure he doesn’t even realize what he has done!

 Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero:
"Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future"

And to be quite honest, tomorrow is never promised. And I know that I don’t want to have any more regrets!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Sparks or crazy talk

  • A relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else

  • The action of linking one thing with another

  • The placing of parts of an electric circuit in contact so that a current may flow

    There are many different ways to define any word. For some reason today, connection is the only word on my mind. So it brings me here again.
    The one word that makes the most sense when thinking of what a true connection is; is LINKED. This word suggests a connection or a joining.
    So then I wonder, how do we know when we are truly connected to someone. For me it is sparks. Or as the last definition clearly defines, an electric circuit that allows a current to flow. A small ignition inside my being. Some call it butterflies, passion, lust, love. It can envelope you with just a look from that person, a soft touch or even just a conversation. 
    There are people that I have come across that have ignited such sparks, that I have felt so connected to and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life being around them because they make me happy. This is not merely a romantic relationship. Or about sex. But I feel as though it is deeper than that. And is something that can be shared with anyone. 
    Then I also wonder, will I ever find this with someone that I can and want to have a future with, spend the rest of my life with, share my life with?
     I also ask myself, do the people that I have these "connections" with feel the same about me? Would they have to courage to tell me? Do they even want to? Have I told them? or am I sitting and waiting and hoping that someone will share their soul just because. Without risk? Without chance?
    Who does that?? Who honestly wants to take a leap and be vulnerable with someone even in friendship because they then take the risk of getting hurt at some point, don't they. But if that is the case, why do we crave connections, or sparks with anyone?
    What is it in our souls that desire this so much but fear it at the same time? Why is a true connection so hard? Why as human beings are we so selfish and afraid to share something that should be so natural and comforting? What is missing?

    I am hoping to one day have an epiphany and be able to figure this out!!! And If I do, I plan to share it! Or if you have already figured it out, please enlighten me!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just a feeling

Just a feeling!  

Inspired by Maroon 5 (they get me every time)

I have decided to start writing out my thoughts and feelings in hopes of figuring myself out! Ha, fingers crossed that it works. 

I sit so often and feel sorry for myself because I don’t have the things that my heart desires. I see other people around me getting everything they ever wanted and it makes me wonder what my purpose in this world is. I want to love so much and desire nothing more than to be loved and either I am blind or really scared to allow it to happen.
I am told so often that I am a great woman. I have a great heart but even with that being so, why am I alone? I don’t want loneliness and unhappiness! I want love and joy and peace. I want to share my life with a person who understands me and I them.  So then I wonder where this journey should go? Where is the love that everyone deserves? How do I find it? Who will take me there or is it all up to me to make it happen?
I have loved with all of my being. At least I thought I did. But then the real question is, do I give up to easily? Why don’t I fight more? If I truly love with all that I have, then the other person should know that and not question it. Right? And then there wouldn't be loneliness surrounding me.
So now my dilemma is this, how do I escape this hole? And find true happiness when it’s apparent that there is no other person in the world that can give this to me. Or at least, I have yet to find them. 
(And just for the record, this is not being written for sympathy. Just an expression!)