Saturday, October 22, 2011

An enigma

There is this saying, everything happens for a reason. I believe it sometimes but other times I think that I allow things to happen the way they do. But with thinking that, it allows for there to be a lot of regret, which I have.
Probably in every huge decision I have made there have been moments of regret after the fact. Wishing things could have played out differently. Or wondering if this one thing would have happen, would my life be different right now? I feel like I allow for destruction to happen in my life and I have a really hard time allowing myself to be happy. Then I think maybe I need to do something life changing, like move out of state and start all over but that terrifies me because it is a huge world of unknown. But I want change, I desire it. But the type of change that allows for happiness and having the desires of my heart. Even though I am surrounded by a lot of people I love I feel like I walk this world alone and I desperately want that to change!
I have learned so much about myself in the past 6 months since separating from my husband. Which was a very short lived relationship in the first place. Impulsive decisions are not always a good thing. Hoping that time will allow you to change the way someone thinks never works. No matter how much you love someone, if they are not happy with themselves, your love will never be enough. And even when you fight so hard to make something work, there is nothing wrong with walking away when there is no hope of change. 
It was a very dark hour. For many months but looking back, how could I have ever known it would turn out the way it did. I can't fix it, I can't change it, I can only learn from it and grow and hope that the next will be what I have been waiting for.
Until then, I will never know what life is going to throw my way. Things change day by day and all I can do is focus on me and what I want and believe that as long as I share that with the universe I will receive what my heart desires!
Today is a lazy Saturday. Its gloomy and rainy. A perfect day in October in Washington!
Its time to get off my ass and go out into this world and see what it has to offer me!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Neah Bay

The water is rippling on the shore. Its been a beautiful day. Sunny, almost 60 outside. You couldn't ask for a more perfect day to say hi to my sister after 4 years. This will forever be a place to remember where she wanted to be forever remembered after the amazing life she lived. 
She was taken way to young. A woman who loved with all she had.  I never knew a person with more passion and more determination to be who she wanted to be and to love with all she had. A woman that would go to the ends of the earth for the people that matter. A woman to remember. 
Auntie T is what I called her for the first few years of my life. Then sister for the rest of my life. An amazing mother, friend, daughter. She is the reason I have become who I am. And the fire at my feet that pushes me to be more. I have never seen a woman work so hard to have what she wanted. I couldn't have asked for a better person footsteps to follow after. She is the reason I won't settle. That I went to beauty school and became a teacher. This woman worked two jobs to put herself through school so she could be a massage therapist. She graduated at the top of her class and didn't even think she could do it.
We had our ups and downs as all sisters do but after getting divorced I was given a chance to spend the last two years of her life with her and build memories that I will never forget. To be reminded of the love that a sister has for another sister. 
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her or wish she was still here telling me how stupid I am being. Or calling me the second I walked in the door because she knew my schedule and wanted to talk about my day and tell me about hers. She was the best person you could have in your life. She called it like it was! Never holding back her feelings or thoughts about anything. You never tried to call her out when she was wrong because she would threaten to scoup slam your ass. And she would totally do it! I love this woman. I can't wait until the day I see her again so I can scoup slam her and give her a slobbery wet kiss like she always did to me.
I will never be ticklish again because of all the Chinese Tickle torcher she put me through as a child until I cried and almost peed my pants. Again, I love this woman.
Trina Diane Rodgers amazing sister, mother, Auntie T, friend. Until the end!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Where to begin....

Who is this person behind these glasses?

For the longest time I have wanted to share my story with anyone who would want to listen. Thinking that I have had a pretty interesting life and that I am sure there are others out there who have experienced something similar. I know that there are plenty that have experienced far worse and this is in no way my trying to get sympathy. I have made my peace. I love my family so very much. But sometimes I wish I could have had some answers, an honest explanation of why things happen the way they did and why people lied to me for so many years.
The blogs that I have been writing are primarily for me to cycle through my life and reflect on feelings that I have with no real idea of where they belong. I am not a person that reflects and is angry. I do have my share of regrets that is for sure. And I do wish that things could have happen differently for me but they didn't. So now I get to make my own mistakes and grow into the human I hope to become.

I really want to write a book. I don't have any idea where to start or even if I will be any good at it or if anyone would even read it for that matter. But this is my way of sending off into the universe the desire of my heart in hopes that inspiration, determination and direction will soon return to me.

I honestly have to say that there is no other time in my life that I feel more calm or at peace, than when I have my computer in my lap and I am just typing away whatever random thoughts come into my head. It is a great feeling! And I hope for it to be a constant! I need it to be!