Saturday, September 14, 2013

I just don't know anymore

And again, it has been a while. I have been asked when I will write something again, because there is that one person in my life that really believes my writing is good. I love doing it but they are just my thoughts. However, I realized that I haven’t had many thoughts lately and that is why I haven’t sat at my computer and typed them out. Before I had so much pain to mull over time and time again, whereas now I feel as though I am just numb and I always seem to fall into the same pattern and it seems as though the story is always the same. I read the last blog I wrote and it lead to feeling inspired but that faded as quickly as it came. I don’t do anything that I enjoy. I have a boring job that consumes my time, no one to come home to. My house is always empty and I just don’t get the point. If this is what life is supposed to be then I don’t want it anymore.

I want something entertaining that brings life and laughter and joy. Something out of the norm and that can’t come from another person. And it shouldn't. 

Sometimes I feel like there is a huge block. That I have this great idea and I think it through and it will only take a little bit of effort to make it happen but then it is gone as quickly as it appeared. Why does that happen? Why are some people so driven and can make anything happen but it is so hard for others, like me. I don’t understand….

Maybe this is not for me to understand. Maybe I think too much and don’t act. I guess time will only help me to figure that one out. So until then….

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

It took long enough....

I think it is interesting how our worth is so skewed. It starts a lot of times with how we are raised. If we are in a home that doesn't build us up but tears us down. Or in school where you are picked on because you are smart and a thinker, or because you are artistic and deep, or because you love music and haven’t figured out your place in it. But what is even worse is the way society has pegged us as adults. I want to know who decides what is acceptable and what isn't  I am only speaking for myself when it comes to these things and it infuriates me that it took be being 30 and still not feeling like I fit the mold to realize that I don’t like the mold that has been created. But for so long I have been so concerned with others opinions. How can I be the best, to be like this person or that person? And really beating myself up for it when I fell short. And what’s worse, I thought I was the only one.

I have let people walk all over me, afraid to be who I really am. Afraid to share that person in the beginning because of the fear of being rejected. Almost to the point that I lost who I am. So when I am asked what I like or don’t like my answer would end up being, well whatever you like is fine with me.

Is that what I have succumbed to? Am I really going to be that person? Do I want to be the one that molds to everyone else? I thought that was the best idea except when left alone, it started to become really lonely. And I realized, dang I lost myself. I don’t even really know who I am when I am not surrounded by other people. This is why I run when the going gets tough. Why I give up when things get hard or I don’t understand it. I have been told for so long that I am so strong but when it comes down to it, I am really not. I have been a quitter. I will find any possible way to justify my actions instead of just taking the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to be surrounded by lies. I don’t want to be surrounded by people that don’t give a shit. And I definitely don’t want to be that person who acts like she cares but really doesn't,  or is to lazy to try.

I was sulking about money, about my life, about school, and career, and how I feel like I failed; but I met a person the other day that said to me, you only have today, so why not live it. And I've heard it so many times before but for some reason when he said it, it was a slap in the face. Tabitha, you always sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to grab you and make life happen, when clearly that hasn't been working out for the last 10 years. So now what are you going to do? Sit and wait another 10 years, or search for yourself and find happiness in all the places it’s been waiting for you?
And I finally found my answer….