Thursday, May 10, 2012

Thoughts that never leave

She walks into a room and wonders what people think of her. No matter the beauty she displays on the outside, how she feels on the inside is never changing. She wonders why she can't get past it. Why can't she see what other people see? She is so disappointed in herself because she feels as though she sees through broken glass. She knows that she has something to  offer and she tries as hard as she can but feels as though no one notices what she does or how great she really is. This is her perception! And its sad because, they do see how great she is and what she has to offer but they never tell her. And even though she feels alone, there are a select few that really see who she is and what she has to offer but until she can see it for herself, how amazing and tender she is. She will never get past this....

She feels stuck and alone and forgotten. Life didn't deal her an awesome hand from the beginning. She was raised by a family that loved her very much, but had another family that she didn't know and thought about every day but wasn't aloud to reach out. These things that happen in her life made her very week and insecure for a long time but in turn have made a very strong and independent woman but there are still feelings of being lost and alone and unwanted. So how do you move past something like that? How do you build relationships that have never really been there because there is a lack of understanding on both sides. A fear of never really knowing a person, a person that could make you a better human being because of the trials she has gone through. And an even bigger question, what about her feelings. The sister that was never known. The sister that never really had the chance to share love and fear, anger, jealousy and a true sister relationship.

This woman, who is insecure and feels alone, thinks constantly of the life she could have had, had things been different when she was born. Or when she was given a chance as a young adult to build that relationship she longs for so much. But how, how do you change the differences, the arguments, the conflict or even just the gap of 20 plus years of not having anything to share and now the distance that lies between you. If there was a way to lay everything else aside, to start fresh in hopes for something more than what there is now...

I have searched and searched and searched for love and have loved with everything I had but there is something said about a sisters love, even when the bond of growing up together isn't there. There is and will always be a longing for that love. To share that love. Especially because I know it can be had but have no idea how to have it. Or where to begin. Maybe this is where its starts, maybe not. 

....Gotta start somewhere....