Monday, September 26, 2011

There are no words

A week ago I walk into my friends house and he says, I am thinking about quitting my job and moving to Denver. Then two days later, he quits his job, starts freaking out and is now moving to Denver!
There were a lot of thoughts going through my mind at the time, mostly selfish thoughts.  What about me? How do I fit into this factor? But as quickly as they came, I buried them away. Who am I to ask these questions and where is that coming from? But we still canned pickles and green beans (which are amazing) and had a wonderful time. And that of course makes it even harder. I always have a great time with this guy. I really don’t think he has a clue as to how wonderful he is. That’s what makes me so sad. What I will miss the most, that even though I tell him his is sweet and I enjoy his company, that he makes me laugh, cooks me dinner, makes sure that I am content in whatever we do.  I don’t think he really sees what I see. He really needs to see how great he is.
This isn’t even the real point to my little story. The point is….. He is an amazing guy and has opened my eyes to something bigger. More to life that I think I needed to see through someone else taking a leap!
For those that know me (really know me), they know that I am a dreamer. That I always feel that there is more out there then what I have received or maybe even taken. And with that there is an unsettling part of me that knows something needs to change or happen.  But for some reason I can’t seem to take the leap that allows for those dreams to come true. And it’s funny because I was sitting on my couch watching a romantic movie thinking, how the hell will anyone find me here? How the hell will I find anyone if I am sitting on my couch watching movies about bullshit that I have never seen happen in real life but want so badly to happen in mine. The only way that can be is if I make it happen. And how do I make it happen? Obviously by seizing the day! Seeing an opportunity and actually taking it. Or maybe even taking such a big risk in hopes that I find exactly what I am looking for.  What is there to lose? I am really not gaining anything but sitting around and waiting for life to happen because in all honestly it never will! Maybe this is something I should know already or maybe not. But the true test isn’t in finding out the truth; it’s actually what you do with it when you have it.
And so the journey begins and I have Seth to thank for that. He has in some way opened my eyes to the fact that I need to listen to those little thoughts that I have inside of me. I need to actually be scared of something new and exciting because life should be full of risks.  And I am pretty sure he doesn’t even realize what he has done!

 Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero:
"Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future"

And to be quite honest, tomorrow is never promised. And I know that I don’t want to have any more regrets!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Sparks or crazy talk

  • A relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else

  • The action of linking one thing with another

  • The placing of parts of an electric circuit in contact so that a current may flow

    There are many different ways to define any word. For some reason today, connection is the only word on my mind. So it brings me here again.
    The one word that makes the most sense when thinking of what a true connection is; is LINKED. This word suggests a connection or a joining.
    So then I wonder, how do we know when we are truly connected to someone. For me it is sparks. Or as the last definition clearly defines, an electric circuit that allows a current to flow. A small ignition inside my being. Some call it butterflies, passion, lust, love. It can envelope you with just a look from that person, a soft touch or even just a conversation. 
    There are people that I have come across that have ignited such sparks, that I have felt so connected to and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life being around them because they make me happy. This is not merely a romantic relationship. Or about sex. But I feel as though it is deeper than that. And is something that can be shared with anyone. 
    Then I also wonder, will I ever find this with someone that I can and want to have a future with, spend the rest of my life with, share my life with?
     I also ask myself, do the people that I have these "connections" with feel the same about me? Would they have to courage to tell me? Do they even want to? Have I told them? or am I sitting and waiting and hoping that someone will share their soul just because. Without risk? Without chance?
    Who does that?? Who honestly wants to take a leap and be vulnerable with someone even in friendship because they then take the risk of getting hurt at some point, don't they. But if that is the case, why do we crave connections, or sparks with anyone?
    What is it in our souls that desire this so much but fear it at the same time? Why is a true connection so hard? Why as human beings are we so selfish and afraid to share something that should be so natural and comforting? What is missing?

    I am hoping to one day have an epiphany and be able to figure this out!!! And If I do, I plan to share it! Or if you have already figured it out, please enlighten me!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Just a feeling

Just a feeling!  

Inspired by Maroon 5 (they get me every time)

I have decided to start writing out my thoughts and feelings in hopes of figuring myself out! Ha, fingers crossed that it works. 

I sit so often and feel sorry for myself because I don’t have the things that my heart desires. I see other people around me getting everything they ever wanted and it makes me wonder what my purpose in this world is. I want to love so much and desire nothing more than to be loved and either I am blind or really scared to allow it to happen.
I am told so often that I am a great woman. I have a great heart but even with that being so, why am I alone? I don’t want loneliness and unhappiness! I want love and joy and peace. I want to share my life with a person who understands me and I them.  So then I wonder where this journey should go? Where is the love that everyone deserves? How do I find it? Who will take me there or is it all up to me to make it happen?
I have loved with all of my being. At least I thought I did. But then the real question is, do I give up to easily? Why don’t I fight more? If I truly love with all that I have, then the other person should know that and not question it. Right? And then there wouldn't be loneliness surrounding me.
So now my dilemma is this, how do I escape this hole? And find true happiness when it’s apparent that there is no other person in the world that can give this to me. Or at least, I have yet to find them. 
(And just for the record, this is not being written for sympathy. Just an expression!)