Thursday, September 27, 2012


Life should not be consumed by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, of loss or unhappiness. Dwelling on all these things only causes pain. Being fearful, only causes regret. All of this comes from a lack of hope or even the idea of taking chances and risking it all to feel something besides pain. And if fear is all you live by, then what is the point of existence? Why walk this journey if there is nothing invigorating or enjoyable about it? WHO cares if you make mistakes, or have heart ache along the way. Those things refine who you are and make it easier to decide who you want to become and what you refuse to settle for. I feel like I have walked through life for so long just taking what has been given to me rather than taking what is rightfully mine to have. I worry too much what other people think, especially the ones I care about. But at the end of the day, who do I answer to? God, absolutely and of course myself. And at the end of the day, I want to be able to reflect on my choices and know that I am satisfied with them because I made them. Not because I lived in fear of what someone else would think or how someone else would feel.

There is no value in life except what you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring to it yourself. 
Henry David Thoreau

Saturday, August 11, 2012


For so long I have longed for my life to begin. Longing and hoping for the desires of my heart. Angry and impatient and bitter that things didn't work out the way I thought they should. Hopeless and hurt and confused, I was constantly told; Tabitha, the minute you stop looking it will find you. And my response always was; how do you stop looking for something you want so badly? I was in such a lowly sad place for such a long time. And one day I just let it go and it was the best thing I could have ever done. Even though there are so many things I want to happen in my life, I have finally found peace with myself. And in finding that, I am able to love a wonderful person who has shown me how to slow down. To enjoy every moment. To take every day as it comes and that there is no reason to rush anything. And for the first time, I am not in a hurry. It will happen when the time is right. And the funny thing is, he has no idea that he has done this for me, just by being in my life and loving me.

This journey we all take in our lives is exciting and confusing at the same time. People come and go in our lives that help us grow and change who we are, sometimes in a good way and sometimes not. But every person makes an impact whether big or small and I am thankful for every person that has impacted my life. And I say that because as I am starting my 30's and I look back at all the crap that I have experienced and all the amazing things that I have experienced, I wouldn't change any of it because it has made me who I am!
So if you read this, thank you! And I hope that in some small way I have given you the same!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Thoughts that never leave

She walks into a room and wonders what people think of her. No matter the beauty she displays on the outside, how she feels on the inside is never changing. She wonders why she can't get past it. Why can't she see what other people see? She is so disappointed in herself because she feels as though she sees through broken glass. She knows that she has something to  offer and she tries as hard as she can but feels as though no one notices what she does or how great she really is. This is her perception! And its sad because, they do see how great she is and what she has to offer but they never tell her. And even though she feels alone, there are a select few that really see who she is and what she has to offer but until she can see it for herself, how amazing and tender she is. She will never get past this....

She feels stuck and alone and forgotten. Life didn't deal her an awesome hand from the beginning. She was raised by a family that loved her very much, but had another family that she didn't know and thought about every day but wasn't aloud to reach out. These things that happen in her life made her very week and insecure for a long time but in turn have made a very strong and independent woman but there are still feelings of being lost and alone and unwanted. So how do you move past something like that? How do you build relationships that have never really been there because there is a lack of understanding on both sides. A fear of never really knowing a person, a person that could make you a better human being because of the trials she has gone through. And an even bigger question, what about her feelings. The sister that was never known. The sister that never really had the chance to share love and fear, anger, jealousy and a true sister relationship.

This woman, who is insecure and feels alone, thinks constantly of the life she could have had, had things been different when she was born. Or when she was given a chance as a young adult to build that relationship she longs for so much. But how, how do you change the differences, the arguments, the conflict or even just the gap of 20 plus years of not having anything to share and now the distance that lies between you. If there was a way to lay everything else aside, to start fresh in hopes for something more than what there is now...

I have searched and searched and searched for love and have loved with everything I had but there is something said about a sisters love, even when the bond of growing up together isn't there. There is and will always be a longing for that love. To share that love. Especially because I know it can be had but have no idea how to have it. Or where to begin. Maybe this is where its starts, maybe not. 

....Gotta start somewhere....

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Have you ever done something and wished you could take it back? 
Or believed something to be more than it was just because you wanted it so badly?
I have done both so many times and it makes me wonder when I will ever learn and be better. 
It is said that there is so much in this life. I have been told that I have so much to offer. But to who? I feel like I have been given opportunities but nothing comes of it or something does but its not what I had imagined or hoped for. So then what?
I seem to go through these moments of confusion, where I feel completely lost and have no idea what I am doing, where I am going or what it is I want exactly. And in those moments I seem to forget who I am. And right now, I feel like I have no idea and it really sucks!

Sunday, April 8, 2012


Love, with another person. To feel, to be inspired by, to care for. To have forever.
I am a great partner. Longing only to make my other half feel like they matter and are the most important thing in the world to me. But I long for it in return. And the reason it hasn't worked in the past is because they haven't given it in return. I don't ask for much and it doesn't take much to make this girl happy. I don't need materialistic things. Just honesty, patience, time and love!!!
I don't think thats asking too much!



I feel as though I have lacked inspiration for some time. That my life has been stagnant and boring, with no purpose except just existing and, that is as false as it can get. So as that moment started to burn in me today that there is something for me to say, something for me to focus on, instead of ignoring it like I have been I decided to take a few minutes and actually focus on what inspires me. And to be honest, there are a lot of things that do. But what made it different today? Why is it standing out a little bit more than usual?

A certain song that I heard! A long, needed overdue conversation with my very best friend in the world, who I can go without talking to for months but it’s like we just talked yesterday and nothing is any different. So what inspired me today? She did! She is a fighter, an overcomer! Always finds the best in every situation but still lives in reality. She is truly the friend everyone could hope to find and I am lucky enough to have found her. And the promise that we made to grow old together will forever be the way it is!

She is an amazing mother to James (my godson) and amazing wife to JP and has given up everything for him to pursue his dream. She does this because she believes in him and in his happiness she finds her own. And in the selflessness that she shares with her family, things always fall into place for her. Usually in way she would have never dreamed.
I wish I had her strength.  And sometimes, just her!

Which leads me to my next topic…. She inspires me, music inspires me, poetry inspires me. Something that has feeling and passion and can make you cry or even motivate you to do something you didn’t think you could do. It might be that one song that the second you hear it, a fire is lit under your ass and you do something you didn’t think you could. Or words of wisdom from a friend, reminding you of who you really are and it was the exact time and place that you needed to hear it and she didn’t even know it.

I would say that music inspires me the most to feel, to love, to give all of myself.  And sometimes I wish that there was a person out there that felt the same way and that our paths would cross and that the passion and inspiration would be mutual. And then maybe I wouldn’t feel crazy.  But it’s not always music, sometimes it’s a quote. And there is one in particular that always stands out from an amazing woman who has had many wise words in her lifetime!  

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

 Is it not fitting, to be remembered for how you made someone feel?

I want to be remembered as a person who loved everyone and made them feel amazing in a low moment. That when they needed encouragement, I was there to give it to them. That is the mark that I hope to leave behind. Because if there is one thing that I carry in my heart, it is brokenness for the ones I care about who don’t see who they really are. How amazing they are, how gifted they are and if I don’t tell them that who will? And then I am just as bad as a person who puts them down or ignores them.  And they deserve more than that! Everyone does.

I feel like I see things for a reason. I read and understand most people for a reason and to let them just fade is unfair to the ones that my eyes have been open to.
So this is my inspiration for today. And for tomorrow. And the next day!

You are an amazing person.  Who has been set a part for a specific reason and if you don’t see it, I will make sure to take a minute to tell you that because you deserve to hear it! 

Sunday, January 22, 2012


This is the beginning of a new life. One journey has ended and another one must start. But where does it start? When I am alone, I sit and think about who I am, where I have come from and what I want to become. I am still young and my life is still ahead of me, so what shall I do with the world as my oyster and the wind at my back pushing me forward.

There has been a burning in my heart for weeks and the desire to write but having no clue what to write about. It really sucks when that happens so today I decided to just try it out and see what happens.
In the past few weeks I have learned a lot about myself, things that I knew but didn’t really see or understand and after a pretty great conversation last night, I realized that I need to start making things happen. It’s funny though, because I know I have said it before, that I am the only one that can make my life happen and I have been waiting for someone else to tell me what to do. But the biggest reason I haven’t done what I really want to do is because of fear. It’s amazing how fear can’t paralyze you and most people let it. I don’t want to be paralyzed anymore. I want life to happen!

Since I was a child I always felt that there was more to this life than what I was living. There is a big world out there but how do I make more out of what I have been given. And how do I stop hiding behind the brokenness that I was dealt in this life? Because if this is it, if there is nothing more, then what is the point?
There are very few people I keep close to me because of being hurt so many times. But the ones that I have kept close I wouldn’t change for the world. And the new people that enter in some way have an impact on who I have become.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. I use to write poems about my feelings but now it has become blogs to express myself. I have the desire to write a book about my life, not even really for people to know and understand but more for my own sanity. To be able to look back and see where I have come from and the woman I have become. And without being arrogant, I feel like something went right. But it’s definitely not enough. There is more, and I am on the hunt to find it! And when I figure it out and share it, it's because one thing about me that has never changed, is allowing people to see my life and the decisions I have made and if in any way, learn from them.

So on that note, I have decided to start in some way to write my story. I don’t know how to start it or what it should entail but you have to start somewhere before anything can ever become anything! So here goes nothing!!!! And hopefully everything!
And all the support and love that I have been surrounded by will only make this part of my journey even more worth it!

It starts with me, and then the rest will fall into place!

So is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led by peace. IS 55:11-12